Sunday, December 26, 2010

life is not easy

"Heavenly Father....I'm struggling right now, you know why and you know the many reasons. I don't want too, I don't want to let my emotions get the best of me, but they are right now. I am trying to not be selfish, and childish, and I'm not meaning to be, sometimes I just don't understand life. I know I'm not supposed too, but sometimes every now and then I wish I could see into the future to see what will happen. But I know that would not be wise, and I'm glad you have not allowed that. But I find myself today wishing that nothing good would happen in my life, because it seems like every time I have something good happen to me, something bad happens, and my heart gets ripped to shreds again. My heart is so sore Lord, so sore, it's been hurt so many times. I am a very emotional person, I wear my emotions on my sleeve, you know that, and I know you're there to pick me up. Help me to learn from my broken heart, help me to know how to be strong and how to be the Godly woman you want me to be. Life is not easy Father, you know that better then anyone, I need you today, I need your strength, your love and your grace. Thank you Lord, I know you always come through. "

In Your Precious and Holy Name,


Monday, December 20, 2010

DR Appt/Clomid Update

I just realized I forgot to blog after my DR appt last Tuesday, I'm so sorry! Life is a whirlwind at the moment, and I just forgot.

Anyways, I had an amazing appt, I absolutely love my OB, I hope she can deliver my babies one day. She talked with us forever, she was very glad I had already had the HSG so that we could move forward with Clomid.

For those of you who aren't quite sure what Clomid is or does, I'll try to inform you with the little bit of information I know. It's supposed to create a follicle, hopefully greater then 19 mm, and if it does, then I get an injection of BHCG to help promote ovulation of that follicle. This is all done on cycle days 17-19, then on day 21 I'm supposed to return to check my progesterone levels to see if I've ovulated. Then if I did, I take a PG test on day 45 if I haven't started my period.

Right now I'm just waiting for my period to start, I'm on day 50 today, the longest I've had in a while, lately they've been averaging 40-45, so I wish it would start so I can begin this Clomid process! But then again, my body seems to never want to cooperate when I want it too, lol. So we just continue to wait. :)

The DR will be putting me on a lower dose of Clomid to begin with, and if there isn't a big enough follicle and/or I don't ovulate, then the next cycle she'll up my dosage. Basically I can take Clomid for 6-7 cycles, then if that still doesn't work, she'll have to send me to the fertility specialist which we pray doesn't happen.

I am allowing myself to hope a LITTLE bit, I haven't hoped at all the past year or so just because I have had so many disappointments and heartaches, but the DR said that Clomid increases our chances by 50%, so going from basically 0% to 50% is definitely a step up in the right direction. At the same time I am very much afraid of being heartbroken again, and I'm just asking for prayer that the Lord will be with me during that time if it happens.

I would love nothing more then to have a sweet Sullivan baby in my arms by this time next Christmas, but I have wished for that three Christmases in a row now, and it's getting harder every time to have my heart broken. Let's pray that this is the last Christmas our arms will be empty! :)

Friday, December 10, 2010

Back in snowy, cold Minnesota!

We are back in Minnesota, and goodness it is cold and snowy, we are expecting quite a big blizzard starting late tonight and going through tomorrow night, oh joy! And it kinda sucks too because Jesse has to reserve at the CG Station in Duluth this weekend and I don't want to be stuck in my apartment all day with nothing to do, so I'm hoping to either go spend the day with my in laws or the day with my friend before the blizzard gets too bad, but we'll see.

We put all of our Christmas stuff up the other day, and our apartment looks so festive - I really hope that this time next year we'll be in an awesome house instead of apartment and be able to do even more cool decorating! It's really my favorite holiday and I love decorating for it and getting into the Christmas spirit, it just makes me happy. (Even when its freaking cold outside, ha!)

I have a DR appt on Tuesday to hopefully be put on Clomid, a medicine that I have talked about before, that will hopefully help me ovulate (which we think is my only problem infertility wise) and I'm hoping we don't run into any complications where we have to wait for the next cycle, so I'm praying it will all go smoothly and we can start Clomid next week. My best friend is getting excited, but I'm finding myself being guarded just because of all the hurts and disappointments I've had in the past, I hope I can allow myself to get excited someday soon though.

My little brother Nate leaves for Marine boot camp in CA on Monday, I can't believe he is going to be a Marine! We were all quite shocked when he told us that's what he wanted to do, and I will be definitely praying for him a lot, I'm thinking it will either make him or break him. I pray he will be able to stand strong in the Lord and that the Lord will constantly remind Him that He is all he needs!!

I miss my family in Mississippi and my family in Arkansas, being back in Minnesota amongst the northern accents and snow just makes me miss the south even more. I felt so at home in the south, I felt like I was with my kind of people, but knowing I will probably always live in the north, makes me realize I'd better get used to the people and accents fast, but also makes me not want to lose my heritage and roots, I love the south, nothing will ever change that.

And now, I must do some Christmas shopping for Jesse and my best friend Julie today - they are SO hard to shop for because they hate telling people what they want because they never know what they want, totally the opposite of me where I always have things I want! ;)