Longing, Ever Longing

This morning I find myself longing….longing for a sweet baby to call our own and to hug, kiss and cuddle in the morning. Yes, I do long in general, but some days I have an extra longing, especially when I see pictures of mommies and babies together, so happy, so cuddly.

It’s on these particular days that I love to imagine what life would be like if we had a precious little one, I remember all the baby duties I so gratefully had growing up as an older sister, I would always squeal with excitement when mom would tell us she was pregnant again, I would help her get everything ready, wash all the baby clothes, and I would wait with such a happy excitement.

For you see, I knew, that being the older sister, once the baby was born, and was able to sleep through the night, the baby would move into MY room and I would share a lot of the responsibility – and mind you, I absolutely loved this! This wasn’t my parents forcing this upon me, I begged and begged, and would relish in the day the baby was moved into my room.

I remember changing oh so many diapers, the sweet baby smell after I either helped mom give them a bath or as I got older, would bathe the baby myself. I loved wrapping up the sweet little bundle tightly in the blanket after the bath and would hold him forever, as long as I could. It was never a chore for me to take care of the babies that came along, those times were some of the happiest of my life.

I did get to a certain point when I was 17 or 18, where I told myself, I was quite tired of babysitting and I either never wanted kids or at least wanted to wait many years before them. But now as I sit here, I know that was just a teenage restlessness, wanting to see the world, wanting to know what else there was. Now I’ve “seen” the world so to speak, I’ve done a lot of things I wanted to do, I was an EMT/Firefighter for crying out loud!!

And now I find myself settling into my role as a wife, and longing, ever longing for a child. I definitely won’t be one of those moms who stays at home, and homeschools, I would love to be able to at least still work part time giving music lessons, but I am definitely going to be one of those moms that absolutely ADORES her children, ADORES being a mommy and never takes it for granted.

Especially after having to wait a while to get pregnant, I will relish each and every moment, even the hard ones when we’re up all night with the children (yes I remember those nights when I had the baby in my room) and when the children are fussy for no reason, and when I just want to cry. I will take the time to remember my life as it is right now, full, but not quite as full as I would like it.

So I will continue longing….ever longing, and I feel quite certain, down deep in the depths of my aching heart, that the Lord will bless us beyond measure with offspring.

Charting and Temps

So I have begun to chart and take my temps again, I did it for a few months the first year I got off birth control, but my cycles were so wacked and my temps were so up and down, that I knew I wasn’t ovulating and got tired of doing it, so I stopped.

But I figured I could pick it up again, and so I’ve been taking my temps for the past 3 days, so far, they’ve been pretty even and exactly where normal temps should be, not at all like the up and down from day to day when I first tried doing this. So I’m encouraged and hopefully it will help me see for sure when I’m ovulating or if I’m ovulating.

One tidbit I read that I didn’t know was that some women have PCOS, but some women who think they have PCOS just have PCO – PCOS is polycystic ovary syndrome, and PCO is just polycystic ovaries. And I thought they were little cysts on your ovaries, but they’re actually more like follicles, and they don’t need to be removed at all!

I also read that women with PCOS, or even just women with PCO, will probably ovulate, but their ovulations will be less and much more sporadic, so I’m thinking that I probably do ovulate every now and then, but obviously I have no clue as to when those times are, so maybe if I chart for a few months, get a pattern down, and am able to plan around that, perhaps that will be the key!

I am finding all of this information extremely informative and I’m loving reading all of this, it’s definitely keeping my interest.

The Love of Grandparents

I probably won’t always write about everything “baby journey” related here on my blog, because it is good to have distractions, and life happens, can’t stop that.

Jesse’s grandpa is not doing so well today, he had a heart attack and is in a fragile but stable condition at the moment. It really takes me back to the evening my grandfather passed away, the night before my wedding, it was so difficult, and I miss him so much.

Grandparents are such a part of everyone’s lives, and I’m finding these days that the older my grandparents get, the more I’m having to act more like the adult and make sure I stay in contact with them and call them, because their minds just aren’t what they used to be. And I only have one set of grandparents left, I don’t know if I’ll have any grandparents left when I have children, which is sad for me to think about.

Life is so short, and so fleeting, we have to grab a hold of each and every moment and take it by the horns and not let it pass! I know I’ve let so many moments just slip through my fingers, and I really want to promise myself to not let anymore go by.

It is so hard to think about grandparents passing away, especially since they’ve been a part of our lives for so very long, as long as I can remember. I know I’ll see them again in heaven some day, but still, it’s rough to think about.

I feel like it’s the ending of an era you know? One set of grandparents gone, the other set now getting older and not functioning as well as they used too, it’s so weird to think about. Life changes so suddenly at times, especially when you’re not expecting it. It’s during those times that you have to rely on the Lord, because guess what, He never ever changes.

So yeah…..thinking about grandparents today, they are so special. So if you have grandparents still living, make sure you give them a call, or send them a letter, or just tell them that you’re thinking of them and that you love them. Don’t let these moments slip through your fingers.

Happy Valentines Day!

I want to wish my sweetest and dearest husband a wonderful Valentines Day. I know it sometimes seems like a pretty cheesy holiday (even for me, a hopeless romantic) but it’s just another day to show my love for Jesse in a bigger way.

I am so grateful the Lord gave Jesse to me in marriage over three years ago, I didn’t say wedded bliss because it’s been a challenging three years, but I wouldn’t change it for the world – the Lord gave me a steadfast rock in Jesse, my soulmate and my ever present companion.

I will never find enough words to tell my amazing husband just how much I love him, and how much I’m grateful to the Lord for sending him to me in such a unique and special way.

Thanks babe for sticking with me through thick and thin, I love you SO much!!

Research

Green light, yellow light….what do these things have to do with eating low carb? Well I picked up the “Low Carb Diet for Dummies” at the library the other day, and it was a most fascinating book on eating low carb and low sugar. The book is all about green light foods and yellow light foods – green light foods are foods which don’t count towards your daily carbs and you can be as “free” with them as you want and eat them whenever. Yellow light foods are foods that you have to be careful with and you can’t go overboard.

I love this book because not only does it have very helpful information, but it has an entire grocery list of green light foods and yellow light foods, very helpful. (Oh and a side note, I was able to give away a LOT of processed, refined and white foods to a friend of mine that we had in our pantry and freezer, so now with those foods out of the house, it will be so much easier to stick to this.)

So now for those of you who are interested in seeing which foods are green light and which are yellow light, I have included some for your benefit and mine! I have included the ones that I know I will eat and actually don’t mind.

Some green light fruits include apples, cantaloupe, grapes, mangoes, oranges, peaches, pears and strawberries.

Green light veggies – beans (green, wax, Italian), broccoli, carrots, celery, greens, mushrooms, onions, spinach, and summer squash.

A few green light proteins (and there are a bunch) are, ground beef, roast, short ribs, steak, ham, lamb, eggs, low fat cheeses, pretty much any type of seafood, chicken, and canned tuna.

A few dairy green light items would be buttermilk, fat free milk, and low fat or fat free yogurts.

Okay, now on to Yellow Light Carbs – remember, these you should only allow yourself 5 carb choices a day from this list, and each serving should be about 15 grams, and remember you can always subtract the fiber from the total carbohydrate value.

Starting with breads – bagels, bread, english muffins, pitas, and tortillas.

Yellow light veggies and fruits – bananas, corn, peas, potatoes, mixed vegetables and sweet potatoes.

Some yellow light legumes – any type of beans (black, pinto, lima, etc.), and peanuts.

A few yellow light grains, cereals, and misc – all types of cereal whether cooked or dry, cornmeal, flour, grits, oats, pasta, brown and white rice, green soybeans, any type of soup broth, sugar free cake mixes, Crystal light, low fat mayo and low fat sour cream.

And when it comes to snacky foods, you really don’t have to give up too much taste, for that I was very grateful. There were several yummy snack ideas in this book, and I thought I’d share a couple with you guys.

- low fat mozzarella string cheese and grapes

- chicken salad with low fat mayo and apples

- boiled shrimp and cocktail sauce

- prosciutto and melon

- pita chips and hummus

- deviled eggs

- veggies and low fat dip

- pineapple chunks with ham cubes

- tortilla roll ups

So see? You can still have yummy snack foods around the house to keep you full and satisfied, yet still lose weight and stay healthy! I’m very excited to be finding out all this information from my research, and hopefully it will help others as well.

And now I must go get ready for my little birthday excursion, hubby and I are going to a marvelous bed and breakfast for which I am quite thrilled.

Lifestyle Changes

Did any of you realize just how many carbs are in so many foods? Well I certainly did not, and it astounds me how many carbs, bad carbs I’ve been eating! I went to the grocery store yesterday to get low carb and carb friendly items, and there are more there than I thought.

Since deciding I need to change my diet in order to help with my PCOS symptoms, I have been learning a seemingly million things every day about carbs and what to eat and what not to eat.

Did you know that if you eat something with a lot of dietary fiber in it, if it has carbs too, you subtract the number of fiber from the amount of carbs and that’s the amount of carbs you will be eating – I guess fiber does wondrous things to your body and helps bad carbs either go away or not do what they’re supposed too.

Also, I didn’t realize there were good carbs and bad carbs – the good carbs that your body needs to live come in veggies and of course the greener the better, berries and a few other fruits, whole grains like in oats and quinoa, meats, and dairy products. The bad carbs come in foods such as anything refined and white – sugar, white rice, refined tortillas, refined pasta, things of that nature.

This whole having to watch what I eat, and eating healthier thing is actually very fascinating – I’ve watched other people go on “diets” like this and I was always like, “I could never do that, I love my yummy food too much”. Well, tell me that eating the way I do is possibly helping cause my infertility, and man will I perk right up!

I’ve also begun to work out daily, I have a workout program I made up for myself, one day I’ll target my arms and chest, the next day I’ll focus on my legs, butt and thighs, and then the next day my abs. So every three days I start over again, resulting in me working on each one of those areas twice a week. I started doing only 20 minutes a day so as not to burn myself out, but I want to work my way up to 30 minutes, and then eventually 45 minutes a day, I want to gain strength and a little bit of muscle, and tone my body and work away the fat.

I also started taking cinnamon and the chromium picolonate that the DR recommended.

This is the first time in my life I’ve been so motivated to make these kind of lifestyle changes, knowing I want to stick with them because it could help result in a precious baby.

Any helpful thoughts, or suggestions on this post from people out there who have had PCOS or had to go on a lifestyle change like this?

Possible Answers

I love getting good news, or at least possible answers to what my infertility problem could be!

I have been emailing a doctor friend of mine, an endocrinologist who has been trying to figure out my body and just recently looked at some bloodwork test results that I had done last year. My family DR had told me everything was normal, but when this endocrinologist looked at the results, he said everything was normal except my pituitary hormones, LH and FSH – they were flipped and opposite of what they should normally be, which points to patterns of possible PCOS.

He said there is no one test to diagnosis PCOS, only certain symptoms and the lab results that I had. The symptoms are irregular cycles and weight gain and difficult in losing weight – hello, that’s me ALL OVER! Ever since I got off BC in May of 2008, I gained weight and have had such a hard time losing it. And don’t even get me started on my irregular cycles.

This DR said that the core problem with PCOS is something they call insulin resistance. Insulin resistance is actually sluggish enzyme processes that are involved with glucose metabolism. You make all the insulin you need, but
your body appears like it doesn’t respond to it …. so your body makes
more insulin. The high insulin levels create the miscommunication
between the pituitary gland (LH>FSH) and the ovaries. Since the LH and
FSH levels aren’t correct ….. the end result is irregular menstrual
cycles and usually no ovulation occurs.

The treatment is to improve the insulin resistance which in turn lowers
the insulin levels. The lower the insulin levels are … the more normal
the LH and FSH levels will be.

Weight loss is the most important. Fat cells require 50 times the amount
of insulin that muscle cells require. He said that he has his patients start a low
carbohydrate diet such as South Beach and start an exercise program with
a focus on building muscle mass (weight training) rather than aerobic
exercise. There are some over the counter medications that improve
insulin resistance …. chromium picolinate 500mg twice a day and
cinnamon 1000mg every day. The only prescription medication used is one
called metformin.

I’ve had people mention PCOS to me before, but I just shrugged it off, especially after my blood work came back and my family DR told me everything was normal, I had no idea that my problem really could be PCOS! Thank the Lord for wonderful friends who are doctors and specialize in hormones!

So, I’m very excited about this new shedding of light on my situation and hopefully it will be an easier fix than I had originally thought, and I pray that the Lord will continue to give Jesse and I wisdom in knowing what steps we should take next.