Tonight I am thinking, and longing and wondering what it would be like to be a mother. Or to even be an expectant mother....I would be having baby showers, getting cute things for the baby, picking out an awesome name, making plans for their birth-day, talking to my baby in my stomach, singing to my baby, I'm sure I would be doing all of those things and more. And I would love it, and I would be good at it, I just know it.
I'm not upset, or mad, or angry about not being able to get pregnant right now, I'm just wishful I suppose. I know having a child changes your entire life, and that you can't ever go on spontaneous dates as just husband and wife again, and you hardly get sleep at night, and your life revolves around them, but believe it or not, that's what I want. I want someone else sharing our lives with us, with Jesse and I, someone we can call our own and that can share our last name and live with us. Someone that we can watch grow up, and that relies on us and lets us teach them things, I want our family to get bigger and get even busier and more stressful than it is right now, yes I want these things.
And no, my period never did start, and no I'm not pregnant, I haven't taken a test but I know in my heart I'm not, I've been through this WAY too many times, I think I would just know deep within me if and when I ever become pregnant, I think I would know even before taking a test. My body is just being weird again, just like it always likes to be, I'm trying to not see this as a set back, but I really don't know what to think about it and I just have to wait, again, seems like I'm constantly playing this waiting game, its getting rather tiring, but there's nothing else to do at the moment. Seems like I'm back at square one, not being able to figure my body out even though I've lost some weight and have been eating better.
I keep trying to figure out if there is some underlying stress deep within me that I just don't see, because I honestly am no longer stressed about this whole thing any more, and haven't been in a while, I just get sad, wishful and I start longing really badly to be a mother. That's not stress is it? But I could have some stress deep within me that I don't know about that's causing my body to continue being abnormal, I don't know, and I don't think I'll ever know. I know the Lord is in control and He has a grand master plan, the fact that I don't know it is at times frustrating, but I know He knows what He's doing.
So in the meantime, I know as a sinner and a human being I will continue to long, and be wishful in my thinking, I know the Lord understands and knows my heart, and for that I'm truly grateful.
As women it is in our hearts to be Moms and I'm so sorry for your pain. I pray that your womb is opened! I was reading in my private Bible Study the other day about the difference between praying and being a prayer warrior. The difference between the two is that a prayer warrior prays with ZERO doubt that what is being prayed for will come to pass. My husband and I have been working on his citizenship that should have been completed YEARS ago. The truth is that I've been praying, but in the back of my mind I've been doubting. Sort of a "please God help me even though I KNOW this isn't going to work until your timing." I know, that is SILLY, but I'm trying to change my outlook on prayer and hope even though I am frustrated.
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